A Mission of Mercy

SCENE:  In the Chicago Bears locker room, quiet hangs overhead as the roster is joined by John Fox and the coaching staff.  Ryan Pace emerges from a door labeled PERSONNEL, trailed by a cigarette-smoking man in a business suit, a gilded label upon his visitor’s badge that reads “BEARS FANBASE REPRESENTATIVE”. 

FANBASE:  Let me have your attention for a moment.

You’re talking about, what?  You’re talking about…(takes slug of whiskey)bitching about that game you lost?   Some son of a bitch can’t handle a blocking assignment, somebody don’t want to audible, so forth…Let’s talk about something important.

Are they all here?

PACE:  All but Fangio.

FANBASE:  I’m starting anyway – Let’s talk about something important…

(FANBASE sees GLENNON sitting in his locker, going over game film on an iPad)

FANBASE:  Put that iPad down.  iPads are for winners only.  You think I’m fucking with you?  I’m not fucking with you.

I’m here from downtown.  I’m here for Mitch Trubisky, and I’m here on a mission of mercy. 

Your name’s Glennon?

GLENNON:  …yeah.

FANBASE:  You call yourself a quarterback, you son of a bitch?

FOX:  I don’t gotta listen to this shit…

FANBASE:  You certainly don’t, pal, because the good news is you’re fired.  The bad news is you got, ALL you got just one week to regain your jobs, starting with next week – starting with next week’s game!

Oh…have I got your attention now?  Good.  Because we’re adding a little something to this year’s incentive list.  As you all know, first prize is a Lombardi Trophy.  Second prize is a playoff appearance.  Third prize is you’re fired.

You get the picture?  …You laughing now? 

You have talent, Mitch Trubisky is getting paid good money to exploit that talent, get his name on the top of the depth chart, and if you can’t win with him, you can’t win shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks, pal, and beat it because you are going OUT.

GLENNON:  The receivers are weak –

FANBASE:  The receivers are weak?!  You’re weak.  I’ve been watching this team for over 20 years-

FOX:  What’s your name?

FANBASE:  FUCK YOU, that’s my name.  You know why, Foxy?  Because you came crawling in here after Peyton Manning and John Elway told you stick your dick in the dirt, and after 3 years you’re slotted somewhere between Marc Trestman and Abe Gibron.  That’s my name.

(FANBASE hunches over GLENNON’s locker, gesturing toward the lanky quarterback)

FANBASE:  And your name is You’re Awful.  You can’t play in a dink-dunk offense, you can’t properly lead receivers, you can’t go through a progression?  Go home and tell your wife your troubles.

Because there’s only one thing that counts in this league, and that’s wins.  Get the scoreboard to show that you are the superior team, you hear me you fuckin’ losers?

(FANBASE gestures to a blackboard)

FANBASE:  A-B-C.  Always, Be, Competent; ALWAYS…Be Competent… 

A-I-D-A, Accuracy, Interest, Decision-making, Awareness. 

Accuracy – Can you throw the ball ahead of your targets?  Interest – Do I want to pay good money to see you play?  I know you’d like that because it’s fuck or walk – you win or you hit the bricks.  Decision-making – Have you made your decision for Mitch?!…and Awareness….

A-I-D-A, get out there.  You got young talent coming in, you think they came here to sit on the bench?  A guy don’t get to the NFL lest he wants to play.  Fans are sitting out there waiting to give you their money!…Are you going to earn it?

…are you competent enough to earn it?

(FANBASE gestures toward FOX) 

FANBASE:  You, Fox, what’s your problem pal?

FOX:  You, you’re a bunch of critics.  If you’re so special, how come you’re still coming down here to watch us play, wasting your time and money on a bunch of bums?

(FANBASE removes a leaflet of Bears home game tickets from his jacket and places them in front of FOX)

FANBASE:  You see this?  You see these tickets? 

FOX:  Yeah..?

FANBASE:  These tickets pay for your contract.  You made $4.25 million last season, you know who paid for it?  You know who paid to watch your shitty team go 3-13?  You see, Fox, that’s we do, that’s who we are…and you’re nothing.  Super Bowl losses in Denver and Carolina?  I don’t give a shit.  Hire great assistant coaches?  Fuck you, go home and we’ll hire them instead.  You want to work here, WIN. 

You think this is abuse?  You think this is abuse, you raspy old loser?  You can’t take this, how can you take the abuse of the Chicago media?  If you don’t like it…leave.

Marc Trestman could go out there the rest of the year with the broken down roster you have and go .500.  This season!  Can you?  …can you?

Go and do likewise.  A-I-D-A.  Get mad, you sonofabitches, get MAD!  You know what it takes to win football games?  It takes brass balls to win football games.  Go and do likewise, Bears.  The wins are out there, you execute, you prepare for games, you take risks on gameday, the wins are yours.  You don’t, I have no sympathy for you.  You want to go out on Sundays and win, you can stay.  If not, you’re going to be shining my shoes.

And you know what you’ll be saying; bunch of losers sitting around in free agency:  “Oh yeah, I used to be in football.  Tough racket…”

(FANBASE opens up a large crate, revealing numerous stacks of tickets, all gilded with STH lettering,  printed on heavy-grade laminated paper)

FANBASE:  These are next year’s season tickets.  These are the die-hard season ticket holder tickets right here, and to YOU, they’re gold, and YOU don’t get them.  Why?  Because to pay the Bears organization for them is just throwing money away.  They’re for winners. 

I’d wish you good luck, but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it.  And to you, Glennon, why am I here?  I came here because Ryan Pace wanted me to, he asked me for a favor. 

…I said the real favor would be to follow my advice and fire your fuckin’ ass because a loser is a loser.

(for reference)

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