In the spirit of Thanksgiving, let us count our Chicago Bears blessings and be grateful.
Thank you, Chicago Bears, for not being scheduled on Thanksgiving this season. Thank you for sparing us the opportunity to see you lose yet another nationally televised embarrassment.
Thank you, Chicago Bears, for the times you have actually done things right. Those small moments have reminded us that this franchise can, in fact, make us feel good on occasion.
Thank you, Chicago Bears, for treating your fans with somber indifference, as Ted Phillips clearly knows what’s best for us, even when we think otherwise.
Thank you, Chicago Bears, for cultivating a poor relationship with the city’s media. Your foresight to cause friction with our primary sources of information has prevented us from learning about what a disaster the organization really is, and protecting us from ourselves.
Thank you, Chicago Bears, for the emotional pain you’ve inflicted upon us. It reminds us that we are alive, and though we die a little inside as we watch your inept football product, we take humble pride in our mere existence upon this mortal plane.
Thank you, Chicago Bears, for the moments of somber reflection you provide to us. When the team is down by 30 or more at halftime, we can seek refuge in labor, putting our minds to task as we appreciate the mental escape we reap from the honest sweat of tedious home upkeep.
Thank you, Chicago Bears, for the uncertainties you swirl before us going into every season. The bits of nourishing hope you permit us to irrationally build into a wall of false optimism keep us coming back for more every time, folly though it may be.
Thank you, Chicago Bears, for giving us the ability to laugh. With each hilarious game-losing decision, we feel blissfully aware of how cursed we are to sit and watch the follies of grown men injuring one another.
And Thank you, Chicago Cubs and Blackhawks, for showing us Bears fans that hope is always there, so long as the people who own the franchise perish or sell the team, and while the nourishing glory of your championships fills us with pride, we will await the day when we too, the suffering Bears fans, can profit from the top-down overhaul we so desperately deserve.